From Fay, with Love

Hello everyone,

This is Fay D’Anna, Alice Rihani’s daughter.

I just read this, as I read all your beautiful thoughts and words that have been such a blessing to me in these past months since my beloved mother has been sharing these wonderful emails with me.

Even though I don’t see you all or know you well in person, I feel such closeness, love, appreciation, and admiration to you all, my beloved teachers and elders.  I’ve been sitting in the shadows and listening and learning and loving you all from afar.

I, like my father, have been a stoic, quiet, shy, introverted person all my life, but today, if I may, I feel I would like to express my mind to you beautiful, kind, gentle, compassionate souls.

As I’m sure you’ve heard, I have 7 tumors in my brain, which are causing some difficulty, but I hope I will be able to make some sense here.  If not, just chock this up as ramblings of a dying mad woman. 🙂

To be completely honest, I feel a bit misunderstood, and would like to clarify my alternative perspective a bit.

My choice not to be a member of our church does not mean that I am any less of a believer than any of you.  I just have my own interpretations. 🙂

I studied psychology and philosophy most of my life. I must admit, I am not a fan of organized religion, indoctrination, legalism, and dogma.  Fear, judgment and damnation do not inspire me.

I don’t label myself, but I identify most with scientific and humanist thought (sadly, to my beautiful mother’s dismay).

I have such affinity for Zen, Taoist, and Advita Vedanta (nondualim) philosophies.  I guess I’m mostly agnostic/ignostic.  Though I do believe in a higher power, but I do not believe that it is possible for us limited 5-senses-humans to fully understand the “mind of God”.

“God” to me is a Divine Mystery.  HE/SHE/IT/THEY is Life, existence, nature, and the universe itself.  The ground of all Being.

I do not believe in “evil” or the “devil”.  I believe ALL is One, ALL is good, ALL is God.  And that there are creative and destructive aspects to God.  If my memory serves me right, I think in hindu philosophy it is called Shakti and Shiva (?).  Or, in a simpler way, the Yin and Yang of God.  The Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end.  Birth and Death.

This is life to me, it is nature, with no malice, no remorse, only an infinite cycle of regeneration, progress, evolution, manifesting in myriad forms, inside and outside the realms of time and space.  Matter and energy.

My beloved brothers and sisters, in spite of what is happening in my body, I assure you, I am not suffering.  I want you to know and believe that all is well with my soul.  God’s mercy is so abundant and overflowing.  He has blessed me with such fierce grace.  I am in complete acceptance and surrender to His will.  And I am very comfortable in my solitude.  I am in complete peace, and unafraid.  I have everything I want and need.  I do not want or need anyones pity or help, please do not feel sorry for me, or like I am a lost soul or whatever, because it is simply not true.  I am in bliss.  My soul is ripe for the harvest.  I am ready.  This is not a tragedy to me at all, it is like my wedding day!  I am fully in the Here and Now, in the Zone.  All is well.  I do not want to be mourned, I want to be understood, and celebrated.

I am, we are, so much more than our bodies.  The body is just the tip of the iceberg.  What is unseen, the spirit if you will, is so much more powerful.  It is the ever awake giant that lies within us and animates us.

I do not believe in looking outside of the self for answers.  We are all endowed with an inner knowingness (Gnosis), in our consciousness, of the right path.  It is built-in, natural, innate.  That is my faith and belief.  I follow that only.  It is my God and only master.

I thank you all immensely for your kindness and understanding and for being such an awesome support system of comfort to my beloved mother.  I know she needs it.

If I can ask for one thing, I ask that you please help her release me.  Of course I know that she, as my mother, loves me like none other, but I also feel that her deep attachment isn’t healthy for either of us.

Mom, my love, I apologize if I made a fool of myself and embarrass you in front of your friends.  Forgive me for being a difficult rebellious child, I am well aware that I have so many shortcomings. But I promise you, I’m trying my best.

The LORD is my Shepherd, I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
He leads me beside quiet waters, He restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness for His name’s sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil, for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life,
And I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.
Amen.

Much Peace, blessings, gratitude, respect, admiration, and unconditional love to you all.

Fay