Death and Grace

I have been fascinated by the topic of death for years now. Mystics and sages say that the only way to live life fully is to accept our deaths. That’s easy, you may say, I’m fully aware that I’m going to die, I’m just a human after all. 

But Ernest Becker begs to differ with you. In his Pulitzer Prize winning book, The Denial of Death, Becker suggests that all of us have an enormous fear of death. This fear is so huge that it is completely unconscious. We live our entire lives without ever knowing that we actually have this fear. However, and quite importantly, this fear lies at the root of everything that we do, everything we believe, all of our dreams, our motivation, our behavior, even our character. Who we are is dictated by this fear. Additionally, this fear is so huge that the primary concern of any human culture is to provide the answer to death. 

I’m not going to get into the reason of why we have this fear and animals don’t. That may be the topic of a future class. I’m also not going to try to convince you that you have this fear using psychological techniques/studies. But I would like to try to make you aware of how this fear manifests itself in your day-to-day living. 

We spend our lives trying to ward off our deaths. In order to defy our deaths, we need to make sure that we matter, that what we do matters, and that there is something that will succeed us, something that will outlast us. Something that we can be remembered with. If we have anything that commemorates us out there somewhere we can die knowing that we have existed and have made an impact onto the world. 

The reality of life is that it is random, uncontrollable, unpredictable, strange, and confusing. But that does not put us, or our fears, at ease. So, we try hard to gain control, somehow. we build houses around us, both physical houses and metaphorical ones. The metaphorical house is our conception of who we are, our character, and our defense mechanisms. We inwardly say to ourselves: I’m a good person, I don’t break the law; I’m a moral person, I don’t cheat or lie or steal like the others; I’m a devout Christian, I pray, attend service and serve my church; I’m a nice person, I smile at the neighbors and love my family; and so on and so forth. This is how we see ourselves and direct our behavior, this is how we gain control of our fear and guilt, how we convince ourselves that we are people who deserve to live longer, and live a happy and fulfilling life.

But to accomplish all this, we need to have agency, and the ability to choose what is right and what is wrong. I think this is why we cling to the concept of free will. With free will, we tell ourselves: I am who I am by my own doing, by my own effort, my own morality, my own deservedness. No one helped me to get here, I am the master of my destiny. 

But it doesn’t just stop with what we think about ourselves, the fear of death influences what we do, what we try to achieve in the world. Through our jobs and careers, we want to be accomplished, we want to wield power, we want to have money. This is where our culture steps in. Any culture has to be able to provide its participants with a mythical hero-system. In this hero-system, people serve in order to earn a feeling of primary value… of unshakable meaning. The hope and belief is that whatever you do in this society, whether you build a church or a skyscraper or a three generational family, your creation will outlive or outshine your death and decay. …This is why human heroics is a blind drivenness that burns people up. In this culture, money, power, and fame are all antidotes to death. How much you have of these, determines how successful you are in protecting yourself against your death. Therefore, making you a hero in this cultural standard. 

Here’s a real-life exercise for you into the fear of death: if you would like to know who had the biggest fear of death in their lives, step into a cemetery. The larger the tombstone, the larger the fear. 

You may not like this, but I think that the emphasis on a life after death is also a product of the fear of death. Just listen to this statement with an objective mind: If I am good in this life, I can conquer death and live an eternal life of happiness in heaven. To me, it sounds like an escape rather than an answer. So, what is the answer? How can we address this fear of death and be able to live a genuine life of freedom.

I think we can learn a lot from the story of the conversion of Paul. Paul is known as the apostle of Grace, but before he became an apostle, he had a very different mission. We all know the story, but I’m going to repeat some of it here so we can examine how God addresses this fear. 

Saul used his free will to do everything that would set him up right in the world and, in his understanding, right with God. He wrote:

“I was advancing in Judaism beyond many of my own age among my people and was extremely zealous for the traditions of my fathers.” (Galatians 1:13–14, NIV)

Saul also had a rich pedigree. He records his pedigree as follows: 

•  …, although I myself could boast as having confidence even in the flesh. If anyone else thinks he is confident in the flesh, I have more reason: circumcised the eighth day, of the nation of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of Hebrews; as to the Law, a Pharisee; as to zeal, a persecutor of the church; as to the righteousness which is in the Law, found blameless. 

By today’s standards, Saul was a highly successful individual. He came from a high society and he was accomplished. As he said, he had confidence in the flesh. He set himself up right to defend against the fear of death. He used his precious free will to persecute the church, the blasphemous cult that was deviating from the dominant religion of the land, Judaism, -the religion of the true God- the god of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.  

Here’s the story in Acts 9: 

 Now Saul, still breathing threats and murder against the disciples of the Lord, went to the high priest, and asked for letters from him to the synagogues in Damascus, so that if he found any belonging to the Way, whether men or women, he might bring them in shackles to Jerusalem. Now as he was traveling, it happened that he was approaching Damascus, and suddenly a light from heaven flashed around him; and he fell to the ground and heard a voice saying to him, “Saul, Saul, why are you persecuting Me?” And he said, “Who are You, Lord?” And He said, “I am Jesus whom you are persecuting, but get up and enter the city, and it will be told to you what you must do.” The men who traveled with him stood speechless, hearing the voice but seeing no one. Saul got up from the ground, and though his eyes were open, he could see nothing; and leading him by the hand, they brought him into Damascus. And for three days he was without sight, and neither ate nor drank.

There are several things that happened that are worth bringing to our attention. First, notice that Saul sees a light from heaven. However, the others with him don’t see the light, they only hear the voice.  Dr. Weaver had many classes regarding this light. This is not just any light; it is supernatural light. This is the same light that we encounter in the creation story, the very first thing that God creates was this light, and as God saw, this light was goodness. We also see this light in revelation, in the new city that will be fully illuminated in this light.

It’s really fascinating to think of God’s choice when he reveals himself to people. Why did he choose this light to reveal himself to Saul? We discussed how we each carry part of this light, what we refer to as the inner light. Was Saul missing this light in himself?

Notice how this light effectively blinded Saul. The bible usually talks about this light as Jesus Christ, the light that dispels darkness. But, in the case of Saul, this light put him in darkness. He couldn’t see anything. 

But it wasn’t just darkness, The story says that for three days Saul could not see and did not eat or drink. It is hard to miss the symbol of Jesus’s death here. Jesus spent three days in the grave before his resurrection. So, in a way this light put Saul to death.  An important part of Saul has died. 

We can’t overemphasize how God did not care one bit about Saul’s free will. What Saul thought was good vs. what is bad, what he thought of himself, and his pedigree was irrelevant to God. God thwarted Saul’s life project. God destroyed Saul’s attempt to conquer his own fear of death, to conquer the death of the flesh. 

But here comes the answer to our problem of the fear of death, because God did not just leave Saul dead. He sent Annias to resurrect him. 

 Now there was a disciple in Damascus named Ananias; and the Lord said to him in a vision, “Ananias.” And he said, “Here I am, Lord.” And the Lord said to him, “Get up and go to the street called Straight, and inquire at the house of Judas for a man from Tarsus named Saul, for he is praying, and he has seen in a vision a man named Ananias come in and lay his hands on him, so that he might regain his sight.” But Ananias answered, “Lord, I have heard from many people about this man, how much harm he did to Your saints in Jerusalem; and here he has authority from the chief priests to arrest all who call on Your name.” But the Lord said to him, “Go, for he is a chosen instrument of Mine, to bear My name before the Gentiles and kings and the sons of Israel; for I will show him how much he must suffer in behalf of My name.” So Ananias departed and entered the house, and after laying his hands on him said, “Brother Saul, the Lord Jesus, who appeared to you on the road by which you were coming, has sent me so that you may regain your sight and be filled with the Holy Spirit.” And immediately something like fish scales fell from his eyes, and he regained his sight, and he got up and was baptized; and he took food and was strengthened.

 Now for several days he was with the disciples who were in Damascus, and immediately he began to proclaim Jesus in the synagogues, saying, “He is the Son of God.” All those hearing him continued to be amazed, and were saying, “Is this not the one who in Jerusalem destroyed those who called on this name, and had come here for the purpose of bringing them bound before the chief priests?” But Saul kept increasing in strength and confounding Jews who lived in Damascus by proving that this Jesus is the Christ. (Acts 9:1-22)

Like the prodigal son, Saul was dead, but now he is alive, he was lost, but now he is found. God’s answer is grace, the supernatural light. God’s answer is a new life, and a new life project. Saul changes his name to Paul, a Greek name meaning “little” or “small”. Paul then takes on a new life project given to him by God- to preach the gospel to the gentiles. The purpose of God’s project is the glory of God’s name. What Paul gets in the equation is to be born again. 

This is how Paul sees himself after his experience: 

For I am the least of the apostles and do not even deserve to be called an apostle, because I persecuted the church of God. ¹⁰ But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect. No, I worked harder than all of them—yet not I, but the grace of God that was with me. ¹¹ Whether, then, it is I or they, this is what we preach, and this is what you believed. (1 Corinthians 15 9-11)

It is fascinating that Paul describes himself with the same language as God described himself when Moses asked Him his name. Paul says: “But by the grace of God I am what I am,” which mirrors God’s identity statement: “I am who I am.” 

So, what about us? I think there is something very simple that we can do, yet it can have a profound impact on our spiritual lives. While sitting quietly in contemplation, we need to acknowledge our fear of death. It may sound strange to you, to acknowledge a fear that you may not think you even have. Or it may seem futile to do it since there’s nothing you can do about it anyway. But I think it is a statement of faith to do just that. Because it is only God that has the answer to this fear. And you never know, after faith comes grace. 

What do you think of this fear? Do you have it, or is Becker wrong about it? Could living with this fear count as spiritual death, from which God is able to resurrect us? 

David: I was struck by your comment that God didn’t care what Paul thought. It didn’t matter to Him. You also mentioned that light is goodness—a special kind of light that isn’t photons but rather the goodness that surrounds us. This goodness is what the inner light—the Holy Spirit— is made of, and another name for it is conscience. God doesn’t care what we think, so naturally, His trinitarian incarnation as the Holy Spirit—that is to say, as our conscience—doesn’t care what we think. 

Thoughts are part of our intellect, and we try to intellectualize so much about God. It seems to me that this is not the way to go. We should simply listen to our consciences. At heart, that’s what Paul did. He was struck by his conscience and stopped thinking intellectually about how to gain favor among the Pharisees by persecuting more Christians.

Don: How does the fear of death manifest in our lives? How does it operationalize? What does it do to us on a day-to-day basis?

Michael: As the father or mother of all fears, I think it restricts us to thinking primarily about ourselves and our lives, instead of looking outward. It confines us to trying to control our lives, trying to control things around us—people, ideas, and even our behavior. But it may also prevent us from living life fully, instead of being more honest, open, and accepting of how things are.

Don: Do you see grace as the antidote to that fear?

Michael: Many people—very smart people—discuss this fear, but their answer is usually just to acknowledge it, not to provide a solution. For me, I believe grace is the answer.

C-J: I think that soldiers, especially combat soldiers, assume that death is inevitable, so they don’t look inward—they focus outward on their mission. When you approach life as a mission that will require sacrifice, you don’t worry about death; you just hope for a good death. 

When Paul was healed, he reverted to the paradigm he experienced as a soldier. Even though he was a tentmaker within that regime, he saw death around him and applied what he had learned from being in the Roman military to his mission in Christ. He understood that it’s not about the ritual or the narrative—it’s about the relationship. And that’s true in combat: do your job, trust your training, know where you are, and know the people you’re working with. Paul gathered a group of people who didn’t protect him, but had his back. He knew exactly where he was going; he knew he would eventually die at the hands of the Romans. And how many times was he shipwrecked? He didn’t care about that. He wasn’t thinking about his death—he was focused on his mission.

I think this is an anomaly for people who don’t understand that we come into this dimension with an understanding of identity: “I am a human being. I live here; this is my address.” But when you come in saying, “Here I am, Lord,” even if you don’t use that language, that narrative of a mission changes everything. Everybody knows they have an end date, everybody knows they’re going to die. But that big monument in the cemetery isn’t so much about the person who has passed; it’s more of an ego statement. 

The people who have often done the greatest things have very humble resting places—their body is in that space until it becomes organic matter again. But their soul, what gives them identity and this supernatural sense of “there’s got to be something bigger than this,” persists. Especially when you look at an infant who dies in utero or lives only a few hours. You wonder, “Why? Why is this child so sick?” We justify it in our minds as nature’s way, but in my experience, when I look at things like that, God is always teaching us about grace, empathy, wisdom, and self-sacrifice.

Those children who come into the world and are not completely independent—they’ll never be out of a wheelchair, they may be blind, or limited in mental acuity—those people, and the caretakers who support them for as long as God gives them life, are learning empathy. They form a community, asking, “Did you call so-and-so? We need a different caretaker at this level.” God is always raising us up the mountain of understanding that life is, as you said, very dynamic, unpredictable, and constantly evolving—because spiritually, I’m constantly evolving. But it all goes back to the mission. Are you willing? You say, “Lord, I’ll do anything for you.” Are you? Are you willing to do what you never thought you could do?

Paul said, “Who am I? I killed these believers. Why would you choose me, Lord?” God chose Paul because he was exemplary among the people he would talk to. He was a peer counselor: “I know exactly who you are,” he said to the Jews, “and I was just like you, but God revealed this to me. Who am I? I am Paul. Once, I thought myself wise. I was just like you. I was privileged, and I still eat at the table of the wealthy in Greece. However, the difference is that I also understand the temporal in that situation. But my ministry is to add something to these people—something they had not known or even considered.”

So, I don’t fear death. What I fear is how I will die. Will I get a good death? All I want in my life is to fulfill, to the best of my awareness, the mission that God put me here for. That’s all I’m really focused on. Did I do what God set before me this day? Was I willing to lean in? Was I willing to be that voice in real-time as an ambassador? I don’t care about death, I don’t care about where I’m buried, I don’t care about any of that. Sometimes I think everything I have in my house will be thrown into a dumpster, because nobody will know—I don’t have children or anything like that. I just figure it is what it is. I’ve sat at the bedsides of many people who were dying. It’s just a transition. If you put it on the hook of religion, then you’re going to teeter. But if you put it in grace and a mission, it empowers you.

Reinhard: Paul mentioned that we gain by living in Christ. I am thankful for that knowledge. Life is very precious, but there is no end. The Psalm mentions that those who die in the Lord are precious in the sight of God. So, as Christians, as believers, we view life as the quality of what we can share in this world—sharing with other people, with family. I think that’s important. We share the Word of God and live the life God wants us to live.

People who don’t know God might just accept the reality that life ends. I heard a comment the other day from a bodybuilder, the former governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger, who said, “At the end of life, we have about, what, five feet down, and then that’s it.” This reflects a lack of hope, but as Christians, we believe differently. We have grace, and Jesus is the life and the truth. When we believe in Jesus, we don’t have to worry. Life on this earth is just the beginning, the stage where we can learn how to live as God’s people, because we are being prepared to enter the heavenly place one day—for eternity.

We may live on this earth for an average of 80, 90, or 100 years. But in the Old Testament, you see people living up to 800 or 900 years. Today, humans might live up to 120 years. But the key is not the length of life, but the quality of life. If life is compressed from 900 to maybe 100 years, the opportunity as humans is still to live the right life to serve God. Death will come, like an appointment for us. We don’t know when, but what we learn now strengthens us. As long as we live the life God wants us to live, we don’t have to fear the future. God will take care of us. We have the grace of God.

The world has existed for thousands of years. Every generation has its place in history, and individually, we have to perform our duty as Christians. When we have faith in God, we don’t worry about the future. God will take care of the family we leave behind. God will be with them and bless them, as long as we are close to Him.

Jesus’ said in Matthew 10 that we shouldn’t worry about those who can kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Instead, we should fear God, who can destroy both soul and body. So, as long as we are close to God, we don’t have to worry. Life is a blessing. We need to celebrate it, knowing that those who believe in God don’t need to worry. We just need to fulfill our duty as Christians: to share the good news about God, to love our fellow man, to worship Him, and to love God. That’s what we need to keep in mind to have a strong, peaceful life.

Anonymous: I think it’s in Timothy where Paul says, “I have fought the good fight. I have finished the course. I have kept the faith, and finally, the crown of righteousness has been laid up for me, which the Lord, the righteous judge, will give me on that day—not to me only, but also to all who love His appearing.” These are very encouraging words. You can tell he’s ready to die; he’s not fearful of death. And probably the reason is that he finished the course, fought the good fight, and knew by faith what was waiting for him—a crown of righteousness. So, I think this is a very good reason for us believers to eliminate fear.

Another point I thought of is that the death of self is far harder and more difficult than the death of the body. We should not fear the death of the body. If we overcome and fight the bigger battle with self, then when we gain victory over self, the death of the body is easier. And, of course, with our belief that Jesus called it “sleep,” then where’s the fear? There’s no fear anymore.

Are we talking about how to overcome fear, or why we have this fear? I believe the life of a believer itself—without comparing people to people—can vary. Some may fear death a lot, and some don’t. I don’t agree with the quotation you read from Ernest Becker. In my own life, I can see the difference in my fears before coming to Christ—before my faith, before my belief—and after being born again. People naturally fear death, and try to lengthen their lives, doing anything, no matter how crazy, to avoid it. But after coming to faith, death doesn’t have that grip over us because we have faith. We have the bright future of God’s promises regarding death, and we know what’s waiting for us after death. Death is just sleep.

So I don’t think we should fear it, but people without faith, without the confidence of God’s promises and encouragement, because they don’t believe them or don’t know about them, don’t have that assurance, and therefore they stay in fear and die in fear. The most horrific death, I would say, is dying without God, having failed to fight the good fight and finish the course. If a person lives their life without faith, without any care for God, without any belief in God’s promises, they’re going to fear because their inner voice will tell them there’s going to be a judgment day. There’s going to be condemnation. Whatever you did in your life is going to come back, sooner or later. So I understand why an unbeliever would be full of fear, whereas the believer would take it as Paul did.

Carolyn: I think fear has a lot to do with whether we have done enough or done what we should to keep our lives in tune with the Lord. That sometimes brings worry, and then we lose sight of grace. It’s a matter of balance.

C-J: Michael, I’m going to go big here. Sometimes when I listen to you, I hear the residual effects of your Catholic upbringing—guilt, shame, unworthiness, the idea of entering the Holy of Holies, a sanctuary with a giant altar and all these rules. But when I listen to you as Michael, I know that you have a personal relationship with God without all that window dressing. So, I encourage you to acknowledge that this is the tradition and ritual of where you began, and it has things to teach you. But also, allow God to grow you, to bring you closer. God is saying, “I am listening, and I will teach you my voice.” You have a heart for truth and a curiosity that says, “When I do it this way, I feel guilt and shame. I’m not sure, but when I do it that way, I have strength and courage, and I’m all in—but am I doing it right? Isn’t it enough?” I just want to encourage you to trust that you’re always in His hands, and you will never fall from that grace because you’re so hungry for truth.

Anonymous: The Bible tells us about two deaths, the first death and the second death, and I added a third death, which is the death of the self. So if you die to self, you don’t have to worry about the other two.

Reinhard: When the disciples and Jesus were in the boat and the storm hit the Sea of Galilee, they were afraid of death, even though they were with the Savior. This was the time when they had just known Jesus for a short time. I think we are in the same position, even though we know God. Remember, the disciples cried out, “Jesus, don’t you care that we are about to perish?” So I think it’s natural for us, even as believers, to be scared of death. But Jesus promised that He is the life and the truth. We just have to believe in Him. 

1 Corinthians 15 says, “For the perishable must clothe itself with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality. When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: ‘Death has been swallowed up in victory.’ ‘Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?’ The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.”

C-J: Michael, remember in the Bible where it says there are many kinds of vessels? One is for this, one is for that. Don’t concern yourself with what you see as inadequate because God designed you with a specific mission in mind. Trust that whatever you feel is lacking—like, say, a short temper or personal thoughts—God put that in you for a reason. 

Recently, I heard a statement in a movie that really struck me. It was about two soldiers in Afghanistan disarming an IED. One soldier stepped on it, and if he took his foot off, both of them would die. His comrade said to him, “Get those emotions under control. They’re more dangerous than what’s under your foot. Trust your training and remember what you’re doing.” The soldier chose to cut one of the last two wires, and he cut the right one. The message was to get your emotions under control because they’re more dangerous. I’ve always believed in righteous anger, but that statement made me reconsider. It made me realize I need to look at this differently because it isn’t my fight. And that’s what I’m saying to you, Michael. It isn’t your fight. It’s the Holy Spirit working in you. Trust that. Trust your training. You know the Bible. You love this relationship and this community. Trust it and grow in the good soil where God has planted you at this time in your life. The waters may get choppy sometimes, but you will not fail because God said you will not fail. Just trust that.

Michael: Maybe I’m thinking more like Saul, while the class might see themselves more like Paul. Saul thought he was serving God until God showed him otherwise. I’m trying to use the fear of death by acknowledging this fear before providing answers to it. By simply acknowledging it, we might open the space for faith and then for grace. But if we already think we have the answer, which is precisely what fear does, we miss out. We miss out on faith and on grace. That’s my angle on this whole thing.

David: I think it opens a can of worms. We’re using intellectual analysis to try to figure out death, and it’s a hopeless enterprise—it gets us nowhere. If death is sleep, then am I going to sleep through paradise? That doesn’t sound good. Is paradise the result of works? What about the infant who dies just after childbirth? What works did it do? There are so many things these where trying to apply the intellect is more dangerous than not. 

I think grace gives us the ability to simply put the whole question aside. Don’t worry about death. Leave it be; leave it in God’s hands. This is very much a Daoist approach—go with the flow. We know that death is on the Dao—on the Way. It’s part of life, but the Way continues after our death. We don’t know what is on it after that, and there’s nothing we can do about it. There’s no point worrying about it. So, the can of worms is best left unopened.

Anonymous: I think there’s too much intellectualizing, period. If we talk too much about it, think about it too much, and turn it into a scientific search or something, it just complicates things. God is simple. He gave us a simple life to live, but we complicate it, and it becomes a burden. 

The old women back in my village where I was brought up didn’t read, didn’t know anything of philosophy or science, but they had clear minds. They took care of very few things during their lives. But many of them just knew, almost like a revelation from God, that they were about to die. They got ready, talked to the people around them, their family, and then they died. They died ready. They knew it. They felt it. Somehow their clear minds told them it was time to die, and they died in peace. 

There’s no need for that fear. Man created it—it was a result of original sin. Sin put all this fear in us. When we’re sinful, it’s not only death that we fear, but other things too. Everything becomes insecure, everything becomes complicated, everything becomes a burden. When sin came into this world, peace went out right away. So, the further we are from sin, the closer we are to peace. Simplify life, and that’s it—no fear, no need to fear.

Don: Maybe I could summarize by saying that the antidote to fear is faith. The antidote to fear is grace, and leaving things in God’s hands puts them in pretty good hands.

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