Don: First, some additional commentary on our discussion last week, where we noted that the one element common to all three “Parables of the Lost” (Coin, Sheep, and [Prodigal] Son) is that, though individually different in kind, the Lost are all equally, actively sought. This display of grace and effort to save the Lost describes the life and work of Jesus. The Coin, which as a coin can have no concept of being lost, reminds us that there are indeed also people who have no concept that they are lost, or that they are being sought, or that there is such a thing as the saving grace of god.
So could the passage “I am the way, the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father but through Me” (John 14:6) be simply a matter-of-fact description of something that just is, like gravity? Whereas gravity is a universal natural law, God’s grace—which is extended to all mankind through the word, the ministry, the effort of Jesus—seems to be a universal spiritual law of salvation. Laws are laws, whether we understand, believe, or know them or not.
The passage in 1 Timothy that talks about god being the savior of all mankind but “especially” of Christians perhaps means that understanding this universal spiritual law confers upon Christians some special insight, but not a special relationship with god. God is just as interested in saving the Coin as he is in saving the Sheep and the Prodigal Son.
The process of salvation as given in scripture is thus apparently more descriptive than prescriptive; it describes how God’s grace operates and is not restricted, in its application, only to those who understand it.
It is also a strong statement that any religion that is centered around “me,” my work, my effort, is really an idolatrous religion. In asserting that there is no other way to be saved than through Jesus, the statement removes the emphasis on “me” and places it where it belongs: On the grace of god. To me, this is the key lesson in the three Parables of the Lost: To be genuine and true, religion must center on what god is and does, and not what man is and does. Yet, we fall so easily into religions that require us to behave in a certain way, through piety and ritual and so forth, in order to put ourselves into a “right” contractual relationship with god.
The “Lost” parables show that god is interested in and extends his grace to everyone, regardless of who and what we are, what we know or don’t know. Our responsibility for what we may or may not do or know is assumed by god, through his grace.
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Today, we will examine the issue of conflict resolution. This is another aspect of community building that Jesus addresses in Matthew 18, in a way that seems almost stuffy, almost Victorian. God probably does not desire that there should be conflict in a community of faith, and the fact that there always is conflict is a testament to our selfish, sinful nature.
There were about 1.25 million licensed attorneys in the US in 2011. That tends to show that conflict resolution, which is what lawyers are fundamentally all about, is in strong demand here, so conflict is a pretty significant problem.
Here’s how Jesus wants it handled (Matthew 18:15-16): “If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother. But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that by the mouth of two or three witnesses every fact may be confirmed.”
The idea of listening is one key element of conflict resolution, but (verse 17): “If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.”
Jesus sandwiches his remarks on conflict resolution between his earlier remarks on humility (being “least” in the kingdom of heaven) and his later remarks on forgiveness. This ordering suggests that conflict resolution is central to the practice of humility and forgiveness.
The ideas of peace within the community of faith, living together in harmony, being one another’s keeper, bearing each other’s burdens, and so on constitute a common theme throughout the scriptures, particularly in the New Testament and Paul’s letters. Paul never neglects to point out that we ought to live peaceably together, that we ought to love another.
In saying that we ought to resolve our differences, Jesus is alluding to personal differences. Some bible translations say, in this context, “If your brother sins….” But the complete translation is: “If your brother sins against you….” In other words, it is not a matter of dealing with every little sin, which would be impossible, prolific sinners that we are. Rather, it is interpersonal sinning—personal animosity, inability to get along with one another, slandering others, and so on. These can be the most disabling of conflicts because, unlike conflicts of ideas or belief, it is much more personal and therefore, Jesus saw, more damaging to the community.
The great importance of conflict resolution is underscored in Matthew 5:23-24, which elevates conflict resolution even above worship: “Therefore if you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your offering there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering.”
Here, Jesus is saying that if, while you are engaged in worship, it occurs to you that you have left unresolved a conflict with your brother, then you should abandon your worship in favor of reconciliation. It is a very strong passage concerning the importance of conflict resolution in a community of faith.
Thus, you honor god by being at peace with your brother. 1 John 4:20 makes a similar point: “If someone says, ‘I love God,’ and hates his brother, he is a liar; for the one who does not love his brother whom he has seen, cannot love God whom he has not seen.”
This espouses the important principle that reconciliation and peace within the community of faith are an essential expression of true worship, of true love of god. But some people are more gifted at reconciliation than others. Jesus mentioned them in the Beatitudes (Matthew 5:9): “Blessed are the peacemakers.” The implication is that not everyone has the gift of making peace but there are some people who do.
Proverbs 19:11 talks about the fact that not every conflict needs resolution; it is a matter of spiritual judgment: “A man’s discretion makes him slow to anger, And it is his glory to overlook a transgression.” The idea is that not every transgression, not every conflict, needs to be pursued to the nth degree; that there are transgressions and conflicts that discretion might overlook and allow to let pass.
Scripture does not give us much guidance about what kinds of transgression and conflict we have the discretion to overlook, but Matthew 5 and 18 together provide three important principles:
1. Conflict should be resolved quickly, even if it means interrupting one’s worship. Conflict should not be left to smolder.
2. Conflicts should initially be resolved face-to-face, in private. Resolution cannot be achieved indirectly, it cannot be mediated. And yet, with modern media technologies, we have many channels—from writing a letter to making a phone call to tweeting a tweet—for conflict resolution. Are they good enough? Jesus was addressing a tweetless generation. Is Facebook-to-Facebook acceptable as the new “face-to-face” for conflict resolution? It would seem that with social media, whole communities and even whole societies can participate in conflict resolution at various levels: One-to-one, one-to-many, many-to-one, and many-to-many. Jesus seems to be insisting that initially at least, it needs to be one-on-one; that there is no obligation to drag everyone in the community of faith into the conflict resolution process, unless…
3. …If one-to-one resolution does not succeed, then one may seek guidance from the wider community.
Are these principles relevant and practical today?
Kiran: It seems that god wants us to be committed to our relationships with others. It is lack of commitment that prevents our bothering to resolve conflicts. We should face our problems head on and not seek to sidestep them.
Harry: It’s almost as though Jesus is setting a trap for us. He is teaching the principle of forgiveness. So you are inevitably going to end up having to forgive people all the time because the need for it is never ending. If you follow Jesus’ teaching, you will tend to be of a forgiving nature, but if you follow religious rules and ritual, you will not. The trap is where Jesus says, in effect: “When all human efforts at conflict resolution have failed, then treat the recalcitrant renegade as you would a gentile or as a tax collector.” His contemporary audience would have taken that to mean “treat them with contempt,” except for those who heard his thoughts about gentiles and tax collectors, who would have taken him to mean “treat them as people most in need, and deserving, of forgiveness.”
Fady: It seems to be telling us not to make church or ritual an excuse for postponing conflict resolution with someone. Some people might say: “I could take care of this today, but I have to go to church.” But god says: “If you really love me, then go take care of that problem first.” God is also telling us not to wait for those who sin against us to beg our forgiveness; rather, it is up to us to take the initiative, in the spirit of unity. In 2 Chronicles 32:20, when Isaiah and Hezekiah the king were in conflict, they united in prayer and god responded (“But King Hezekiah and Isaiah the prophet, the son of Amoz, prayed about this and cried out to heaven.”)
The message is that forgiveness brings unity, and that you cannot forgive without unity. When god wanted to forgive us humans, he came among us as a human, to be in unity with us. So we too should put ourselves in the shoes of those who sin against us, to understand why they did it. There are always two sides to a story, and it takes two, acting in unity, to resolve an issue dividing them.
Harry: Forgiveness is a liberating way of life. It’s hard to swallow one’s ego and accept insults and forgive those who trespass against us, but the more one practices this way of life, the less conflict.
Kiran: But Jesus seems to be demanding even more than that. He seems to want us to do more than passively forgive. He wants us to actively approach our enemies and not only engage with them in peaceful debate on the issue, but also to extend the hand of friendship to them. He does not want us just to resolve the dispute and say goodbye.
Allie: This is a very difficult concept. The lesson is that worship is hollow unless we forgive and resolve our conflicts; and yet, I feel that if I were to really apply that lesson in my daily life, I might never make it to church! Everyday life seems rife with conflict: “The cashier did this to me,” “My supervisor said that to me,” and so on. Much of it may seem trivial, but how is one to decide? It is very challenging to be the forgiving kind of person Harry talked about, because that seems to involve being at a god-like level of spirituality; and it seems to be solely about the forgiver’s relationship with god, not about the forgiver’s relationship with the forgiven person. That requires a level of spiritual maturity that takes quite a while to reach!
Ada: Oftentimes it seems that conflict is God’s way of testing us. We should certainly be forgiving of other people, but it’s not always really about the other person but about how we react and how we approach god in dealing with it. God uses these conflicts to make us better people. [The audio was broken up here—I hope I have not misquoted Ada.]
Jay: We often take the passage under discussion as a blueprint for recovering our lost brother or sister, rather than as a method of conflict resolution. I agree that this is a call by Jesus to not let conflict exist, because when we do, we are hoarding god’s grace. In order to share God’s love and grace, as we are instructed to do, then we have to be communal, we have to build community.
It seems to me that the passage extends protection to both parties to a conflict. We tend to consider ourselves to be in the right in our own conflicts, and we permit our bias to guide our response. But the call to take two people with you if a one-on-one meeting does not resolve the dispute would help determine whether in fact you are the problem!
David: If the message is that we should not let conflict exist, the question then is how to achieve that? The Christian approach appears to be very much an activist one: Go and confront the person with whom you are in conflict head on; and if necessary get your community involved. Daoists, in contrast, take a passive and individualistic approach: Do not try to confront the issue or the aggressor; instead, calmly let if flow around one and dissipate its strength downstream. There is no need or use for community—conflict is resolved inside one’s self.
The Daoist approach solves the problem mentioned by Allie about where to find time to deal with conflict and still find time for worship. The activist approach would make that very difficult, whereas it is possible with the passive approach. So the Daoist approach may or may not be more spiritual, but it certainly seems more pragmatic and practical!
Harry: I deal at work with a largely uneducated workforce lacking the education and the intellect to discuss conflicts in an informed and rational manner. To be disrespected through something as innocuous as a baleful glance can easily result in conflict. My approach is to ask the aggrieved party, in private, to explain exactly what happened. Frequently, that exercise, while stressful to me, usually suffices to show the person that the issue was not really such a big deal, and it often reduces or eliminates the conflict.
Fady: One of the principles of forgiveness is stated in Colossians 2:14: “…having canceled out the certificate of debt consisting of decrees against us, which was hostile to us; and He has taken it out of the way, having nailed it to the cross.” We must give what we receive, and we have received God’s unconditional forgiveness. If we accept it, then we have a duty to give our unconditional forgiveness to others.
Mr. Evanovich: Conflict resolution is ultimately about bringing glory to god.
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