Forgiveness

Don: This is our tenth year of studying the Book of Matthew. We have reached chapter 18, which reflects what we are calling the “pillars of community.” These are key concepts expounded by Jesus that define what constitutes an effective community of strong faith. It is almost a handbook of the community called “the kingdom of heaven.”

It begins with the disciples asking Jesus: Who is in charge of the community? (“Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?”) So the first principle of community has to do with leadership authority. Most governments have a top-down hierarchical leadership structure, but Jesus says that the the innocent child is the one to follow. He then establishes the second principle, that community is governed by grace, not by law. His third principle, expounded through the parable of the lost sheep (among others) is that every single individual is vital to the community. The fourth principle is about how to resolve interpersonal conflict between individuals within the community. Fifth is that the unifying character of the community is love. Sixth is that the kingdom of heaven on earth—the human community—is founded on and remains bound by difficult-to-follow original kingdom of heaven principles such as that the first shall be last, and that “the other cheek” should be offered to one’s enemy. Seventh is the importance of prayer within the community. Eighth is the principle of forgiveness, which is our topic for today and is expounded in verses 21-35 of Matthew 18.

Then Peter came and said to Him, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?” [This was generous of Peter. The Jewish rabbis at the time taught to forgive three times but no more.] Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven. [In effect, Jesus was saying there is no limit.]

“For this reason the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his slaves. When he had begun to settle them, one who owed him ten thousand talents [a huge sum] was brought to him. But since he did not have the means to repay, his lord commanded him to be sold, along with his wife and children and all that he had, and repayment to be made. So the slave fell to the ground and prostrated himself before him, saying, ‘Have patience with me and I will repay you everything.’ And the lord of that slave felt compassion and released him and forgave him the debt. But that slave went out and found one of his fellow slaves who owed him a hundred denarii [a trifling amount]; and he seized him and began to choke him, saying, ‘Pay back what you owe.’ So his fellow slave fell to the ground and began to plead with him, saying, ‘Have patience with me and I will repay you.’ But he was unwilling and went and threw him in prison until he should pay back what was owed. So when his fellow slaves saw what had happened, they were deeply grieved and came and reported to their lord all that had happened. Then summoning him, his lord said to him, ‘You wicked slave, I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. Should you not also have had mercy on your fellow slave, in the same way that I had mercy on you?’ And his lord, moved with anger, handed him over to the torturers until he should repay all that was owed him. My heavenly Father will also do the same to you, if each of you does not forgive his brother from your heart.”

What is forgiveness? Why is it such an important principle in community? Jesus made over three dozen references to it. It is a principle found in all religions. Yet, despite its importance in Christianity, the principle of forgiveness has only begun to be examined in depth in the last couple of decades. Within those 20 years, hundreds of papers have been published about the spiritual psychological, and even physiological effects of forgiveness. The Mayo Clinic even has a web page that talks about it.

Is it an unpardonable sin not to forgive? In the Lord’s Prayer, Jesus taught we should pray “…and forgive us this day our debts, as we forgive our debtors.” Jesus added this postscript to the Lord’s Prayer: “For if you forgive men their transgressions, your heavenly father will also forgive you; but if you do not forgive men, your heavenly father will not forgive your transgressions.” Jesus said elsewhere in Matthew that all sins were forgivable except the sin against the holy spirit. How do these notions align?

In Matthew 9:2-7, we see a parallel between forgiveness and physical healing;

And they brought to Him a paralytic lying on a bed. Seeing their faith, Jesus said to the paralytic, “Take courage, son; your sins are forgiven.” And some of the scribes said to themselves, “This fellow blasphemes.” And Jesus knowing their thoughts said, “Why are you thinking evil in your hearts? Which is easier, to say, ‘Your sins are forgiven,’ or to say, ‘Get up, and walk’? But so that you may know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins”—then He *said to the paralytic, “Get up, pick up your bed and go home.” And he got up and went home.

In his book Forgive for Good: A Proven Prescription for Health and Happiness, Stanford psychologist Frederic Luskin presents a fairly exhaustive social science study of forgiveness. The study noted a 27 percent reduction in stress symptoms such as headaches, backache, sleeplessness, and upset stomach among those who had been able to forgive grievous wrongs committed against them. There was also a 42 percent decrease in depression, a 35 percent increase in self-confidence, a 62 percent decrease in feelings of loneliness, and a 15 percent reduction in long-term feelings of anger.

So forgiveness is important in community. Why? But what exactly is it? Is it a two-way street? Is it the unpardonable sin?

Harry: Vindictiveness is self-destructive. It would be better, if one cannot forgive, to just forget. To “forgive and forget” is not quite how it works: One must forget in order to forgive. The act of forgetting is the act of forgiving. And the result is peace and harmony in one’s life.

Jonathan: Forgiveness is important for the Christian community because it is the common denominator between the learned and the ignorant, male and female, wealthy and poor… whatever our individual differences might be, we are all forgiven by god. If we cannot share that forgiveness with others, we have not learned the lesson.

To forgive is to recognize that a wrong was committed. One cannot forget a wrong; the best one can do is to not dwell on it.

Kiran: Before I became a Christian, in the gang I was part of wrongs were “righted” through violence. Even after I converted, it took me a long while and not a little pain to come to grips with the Christian notion of forgiveness. Unless I love someone unconditionally, I find it very hard forgive them even though I recognize and accept the beauty of forgiveness and even though I feel better every time I do manage to forgive someone.

Don: So forgiveness is a selfish act?

Jay: The Lord’s Prayer seems to suggest that forgiving others comes first, and being forgiven ourselves comes second. It contradicts the common belief that we should forgive people because we ourselves have been forgiven. The footnote at the end of the Lord’s Prayer passage makes that crystal clear. Applying a lesson from Matthew 18, the passage that says what is allowed or forbidden on earth will be allowed or forbidden in heaven implies that if there is no forgiveness on earth, there will be none in heaven either. So if you want forgiveness in the kingdom of heaven, you must practice forgiveness here on earth. This seems opposite to grace, which I thought was for everyone, no matter what. It needs more thought.

Kiran: But if we do not have grace, is it not harder to forgive?

Robin: Praying to learn to forgive as god forgives us is learning how to really love someone. You can’t understand love completely unless you have been open to learning to forgive.

The closer my relationship to someone, the more opportunities I will have to remain hurt and sulk, or to learn to forgive. It is hardest to forgive those closest to one.

Don: Must our transgressors first seek our forgiveness in order for us to forgive them?

Jay: It certainly makes forgiveness much easier to bestow. The transgressor’s admission of wrongdoing justifies one’s forgiveness. Imposing a precondition for forgiveness does not sound right. and I would like to think that god will forgive us our trespasses no matter what, yet the Lord’s Prayer makes our own forgiveness conditional.

Kiran: At different times, after much inner struggle and self-analysis, I eventually forgave three people who had hurt me badly. They had not asked for my forgiveness, and I did not tell them they were forgiven, but when next I met them individually, they were confused by my calmness and peace—they expected the opposite. Two of them eventually became reconciled with me. I think my forgiveness of them was more sincere than it would have been if they had asked me for it.

Robin: Forgiveness does not mean approval. To forgive is not to say that the transgression was OK. To forgive is to renounce the desire for revenge. I’ve heard tales of churches who counsel people living in an incestuous relationship to stay together and forgive them their transgression on the basis that they are a family and the bible protects the family.

Jay: Jesus forgave Mary Magdalene after she washed his feet, but he also admonished her to sin no more. Forgiveness is not justification for sin, or to keep sinning.

Chris: The end of the Lord’s Prayer passage in Matthew 6 ends almost identically to the end of Matthew 18 in placing a condition on god’s forgiveness of us: We must first forgive others, and it has to be sincere forgiveness involving the emotions as well as the intellect. It is not a superficial forgiveness.

The Flood resulted from the wickedness of the sons of god and the daughters of man. There was only one good man left—Noah—the rest were unforgivable, so god destroyed them.

Jay: That’s the key question: Is there a point beyond which god will not forgive one, where his grace does not operate?

Robin: Revelation talks about the destruction of the wicked.

Ada: What is the consequence in the event that we cannot forgive one another?

David: You will be handed over to the torturer! 😉

Harry: The author of Matthew does a wonderful job of presenting a god who is impossible to perceive, whom we cannot see or hear and who does not appear to be around when things go terribly wrong. The only valid way to find god, to be in his presence, to live in the kingdom of heaven on earth, is not by paying lip service to the words of scripture but by living them: By loving, by forgiving.

Jonathan: According to the bible, there seem to be only two conditions that make forgiveness impossible. One is the sin that is not confessed. Forgiveness is available, but only on condition of prior confession. The second is an insincere confession. Proverbs says that god will not countenance the prayers or sacrifices of people who holds iniquity in their hearts. The people destroyed in the Flood, having nothing but evil in their hearts, had no desire to be forgiven and could not therefore avail themselves of the forgiveness that god would have extended to them if they were truly penitent.

Don: So we may forgive one another even in the absence of repentance, but god cannot?

Jonathan: Yes. We may forgive others even though they may refuse to repent, while god makes forgiveness available to everyone all the time—if they repent.

Robin: The analogy is that god’s forgiveness is like having money in the bank. It is always there to be drawn upon when needed. But to withdraw the money one must at least admit that one needs it. If I decide that I have done nothing wrong, that I owe nothing, then I am not going to want to withdraw it, and the money just sits there doing no good.

Jay: Who is forgiveness for? Is it for the forgiver, the forgiven, or both? If it is for the forgiver, then it does not matter whether or not the forgiven repents. If it is for the forgiven, then confession and repentance would seem to be important parts of the process. When god forgive us, does he gain any benefit? My gut says no. But when we forgive others, there seems to be a benefit to us. Grace, in contrast, is strictly for the benefit of its recipient.

Chris: We seem to be sandwiched between god, whose forgiveness we need, and people we need to forgive.

Michael: There seems to be no benefit to the forgiven person if that person is evil and does not care whether s/he is forgiven or not. There seems to be no benefit to god in forgiving us, but as the god of love is he not bound to forgive?

Don: Yes. If he did not forgive, he would not be god. Does he seek to forgive us even absent our ability to ask for forgiveness?

David: After we forgive someone, there always remains some residual doubt, some distrust, that the trespasser has sincerely repented or will do so. Hence we “forgive but not forget.” We cannot return to the status quo ante and act as though nothing had happened. Even after the Fall, even after god sent Jesus to forgive and redeem us all, there was a condition: We have to forgive others first. Surely this implies that we are not to be trusted any more, that god has lingering doubts about our worthiness of his forgiveness. Presumably there was no such distrust of Adam and Eve before the Fall. It seems that we can never regain that state.

Don: We’ll continue to discuss this topic over the next few weeks.

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